You never asked about
The two, razor-thin scars
Criss-crossing my wrist,
White as snow.
But I'm sure you've heard
about how I did it when I was thirteen,
Standing over the sink with a paring knife,
Wanting to see the hurt and frustration
Flow out in crimson drops.
But not to die.
You never asked about
Why my father doesn't call,
How I only get two cards from him each year,
One on my birthday, one on Christmas.
But I'm sure you've heard,
about his new wife,
five years younger than my mother,
and their new baby, pretty and sweet in a way that I can never be,
with my magenta hair, cheap mascara,
and corrupted innocence, tarnished like neglected silver.
You never asked about
the time they found me at the bus stop,
bags packed,
ticket bought.
But I'm sure you've heard,
about how I closed my eyes and picked a place,
Wanting to go somewhere,
Anywhere,
To a city where I could be anyone,
Shed my cocoon.
You never asked,
Only held my hand,
Brushed the occasional tear from my cheek,
and that is why I love you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Intro
First, I liked the poem. I liked the patern at the start of every stanza. It give sthe poem a certain type of flow.
The Critique
I didn't get the 'white as snow' part becase I thought cut marks were red and swollen??? I don't know.
I like the description of how the speaker is feeling. And how she wants all her hurt to drop alnog with her blood. It was a mix of emotions and a metaphor.
I really had no idea who the speaker was speaking to in the poem. It probaly doesn't matter because it a poetic tihing. I just want to know who the speaker it speaking to. A brother, friend, boyfriend?
Overall
I liked it. Everything had a flow. They way you potrayed her pain though imagry and metaphors. I personally think this poem is about this pain stricken girl t
I liked the last stanza too, it actually took me by suprise. I thought that the person was angry. Like, "you just listen to rumors, and don't even bother to know me" or "you don't even care about me enough to even bother to ask what is wrong!" So the last lines totally took me by suprise. Which I have to admit made me happy (I hate deprsessing stuff) ,but it kind of confused me, which you shouldn't do to a reader. You want them to know what this is about. Other than that I loved it!
-Rhiine
Thanks for the crit! It was helpful.
The last stanza was what made me like this poem. I was expecting the speaker to be annoyed at someone for ignoring all these topics but discovered she was glad that the person did.
Points to consider:
- Capitalisation: you seem to change your mind about whether you want to capitalise each line or just each new sentence. These could just be typos, of course, so if you look back over it and pick one way for consistency then that will be beneficial for the poem.
- Alternative images: the word choice 'razor-thin' and image 'white as snow' are a little over-used. You could try coming up with your own alternatives (difficult, I know, when exactly what you want to say is a cliché).
- Telling: 'picked a place'. I think something like 'pointing at the map' would be interesting and a way of showing instead.
- 'How I only get two cards from him each year': I think 'why' instead of 'how' would be better here, although you may have picked the latter to avoid repetition.
Favourite sections:
I really like your idea for this poem. I think it can be greatly improved by concentrating on your images, trying to steer clear of phrases that have lost meaning and creating new similes and metaphors that will make your language stand out.
Feel free to PM me if you want to clear up any points and let me know if you edit this - I think it can be great.